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Many people come to therapy seeking advice on breaking up with their partner. You ask questions like:
- "I'm not interested in my partner anymore and I want to stop. But they didn't do anything wrong. How can I stop feeling guilty?
- "My fiancee admitted to cheating two years ago. I can't marry a man like that, but I'm worried about what our friends and family will think if I don't go ahead with the marriage. What should I do?"
- "I've broken up with my partner many times but they always find a way to find me. I want to end this period forever. How can I do it?"
Breaking up is hard enough, but when you add guilt, the process becomes unbearable. You may feel that you caused the breakup yourself or that you could have done more to save the relationship. It's important to remember that relationships end for many reasons, and it's usually not one person's fault.
Follow these three steps to overcome breakup guilt.
1. Accept your feelings.
The first step is to admit that you feel guilty about the breakup. This may seem obvious, but it's important to check in with your feelings before moving forward. Talk to a friend or family member about your feelings, or write down your thoughts and feelings. After you confess your sin, you can get to work.
Let's think of wine as something that happens inside us. However, according to a classic study published in Psychological Bulletin , it should be recognized as a social phenomenon that plays a positive role in our lives.
Research has shown that guilt improves interpersonal relationships, encouraging them to bond with each other and share emotional stress "equally."
Basically, getting over guilt will help you dig deeper into yourself, understand your mistakes, be nicer to your ex, and help you better handle your next relationship.
On the other hand, guilt can convince you to give a failed relationship another chance. Approach this mindset with caution, as ongoing relationships can be stressful. A study on family relationships found that these relationships can lead to depression, anxiety and other serious mental health problems.
2. Define your role in the department.
Part of overcoming breakup guilt is understanding your role in the breakup. Maybe there are things you could have done differently. If you're having trouble defining your role, talk to a therapist or counselor who can help you process these feelings.
A study published in the journal Emerging Adulthood identified the main causes of adolescent-adult relationships, narrowing them down to five specific factors:
- Property
- Intimacy
- Self-sufficiency
- Betrayal
- Condition:
These factors have been found to play a role in adult differentiation. So try to find out which of these reasons made you break up with your ex. Was there a lack of communication? There was a lack of intimacy in the relationship. Do you feel like you've lost your identity when dealing with your ex? Are there scams? Do you want to date someone taller than your ex?
After you find out why you broke up with your ex, realize that those feelings are real. You're not helping yourself (or your ex) by staying in an unfulfilling relationship.
Getting to this point allows you to think about what you want from the relationship and what you want to offer your next partner.
Although you may feel guilty, understanding why you did what you did will help you take the next step after a breakup.
3. Forgive yourself.
Self-forgiveness is an important step in overcoming the guilt of a breakup. Remember that everyone makes mistakes and relationships end for many reasons. It's usually no one's fault. During this difficult time, give yourself time and space to heal and be gentle with yourself. Thinking about the future is important because thinking about the past does not change.
According to The Psychology Handbook of Self-Forgiveness, self-forgiveness is central to our well-being, which is often eroded by breakups.
The key to effective self-forgiveness is to take step 2 seriously. Help yourself to let go of abuse in a healthy way.
If you do, be honest about your mistakes and strive to be a better person. Try to be kind to your loved ones and to yourself.
A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that people who forgive themselves are less likely to engage in unhealthy behaviors like eating disorders. They also reported feeling more remorse and generally feeling better about their past behavior than if they had not forgiven.
Conclusion
A breakup is never easy, but when you feel guilt on top of your grief, it can feel impossible to move on. If you're struggling with breakup guilt, remember that it's normal to feel this way after a breakup. Accepting your feelings, acknowledging your role in the breakup, and forgiving yourself are important steps to overcoming guilt and moving on with your life.