:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/anxious-attachment-5204408_final-8097b866bc014bdba30e2ff9175b39cf.jpg "How to set healthy boundaries and stop letting anxiety and guilt get in the way of your life")
I recently met with old friends from college . We had dinner together and drank a bottle (or two) of wine in front of the TV. After a few minutes, our host opened his laptop and started moving parts of the PowerPoint presentation. "Just make something for Monday," he shrugged.
The next morning we went for a walk. Between fresh air and work, kids, and life in general, a friend who runs a small business is distracted by looking at his phone. "Email," he sighed. He was on vacation, but not really. "I don't think I've ever been abroad," he reasoned.
The first job was ironing shirts and boarding the train. But during the pandemic, WFH changed all that for many people and seemed to have stuck. In 2020, my partner and I gathered at the end of the workday from opposite sides of our apartment with a slightly crazy look in our eyes and the impression that we had hardly eaten or rested. No one asked for or expected this kind of behavior, on the contrary, our bosses would have been shocked, but the line between work and life suddenly became porous and we didn't know how to deal with it. Three years later, it's unclear if anyone actually knew about it.
The idea of setting boundaries has been used in self-help books since the mid-80s, but in 2022 it's making a resurgence. And this is not surprising. In an era where our digital lives have evolved while our physical freedoms have diminished, figuring out where to draw the line has never been harder, and it's not just a matter of work. Technology means that as parents, partners, and friends, we are available to anyone who wants our attention at any time. If we're single and trying to find love, we're going to have to accept harassment, scrutiny, and judgment from people we've never met, assuming we're active on social media (and otherwise it's hard to play the dating game in the first place. ).
Everywhere you look, digital technology has dissolved the boundaries that helped divide our lives, and many of our psychological boundaries have broken down along with it. This is not something self-help teachers faced 40 years ago. But what can we do?
“A very common misconception about boundaries is that they are selfish. that they are cold, that they are evil. This is to keep people away. And that couldn't be further from the truth,” says Melissa Urban, CEO, life coach and author who describes herself as a “borderline witch.” His book is "The Book of Borders. set boundaries that will set you free . " , certainly joins the many recent publications on the topic (with similar promises, titles coming out in the coming months include The Sugar Jar: Create Boundaries, Embrace Self-Treatment, and Savor Sweet Things in Life by Yasmin Sheyen; Beware: Your Research Journal Wellbeing, Boundaries, and Managed Choices (Unable to find: KE);Workbook Vulnerability: Accept Fear, Set Boundaries, and Find Courage by Anwar Abdu.
Urban has a helpful definition of what a border really is. "Boundaries are limits on how you allow people to interact with you in a way that keeps you safe and healthy and improves relationships." The first step, she says, is pinpointing what boundaries are needed in a given situation, whether work, emotional or digital, which isn't easy, at least at first, because feelings of fear can be found in unclear telegrams. . and anxiety.
"You find yourself in a situation and you feel uncomfortable, and that's a sign that you need to set boundaries," she says. “For example, I recently spoke with a woman who was thinking about the Christmas season. He said. “I can't do it. I can't handle all the pressure. I can't have all the matches." A different house. , mom blames her and it's time to leave her house and go to dad. They are divorced. And that seems to be the line you have to draw. You should say: "Hey, we're going on vacation, I'm really looking forward to meeting you." But I want you not to show emotion when I go to my father, because it is unfair to me and him to spend the same amount of time with each. you".
By imagining and expressing this, a woman can enjoy visiting her family. But does setting boundaries always require a therapy session?
“It can definitely help to talk about it. But you can do it yourself by thinking: “Okay, this event is stressful or bothering me. What aspect of this event am I least focused on? Is there anything I can do about this? will it take away all or most of the stress and anxiety?'
One of the areas in life where people struggle the most with limitations, like my friends, is in their careers. After the lifting of lockdown restrictions, 38% of working adults in the UK continued to work from home for part of the week, with slightly more in businesses and offices. This is seen as a positive change to improve flexibility and work-life balance.
But for some people, WFH days are some of the busiest of the week. Without the effect of speech modulation, communication with colleagues can be strained and our ability to respond to requests can be impaired.
Some of this may depend on who we are as individuals. Psychologist Nina Brown in her 2006 book, Dealing with Annoying, Mean, Critical People. The book " Destructive Narcissistic Pattern " describes four types of psychological limitations that people tend to have. The first is a "softie," someone who is easily manipulated and prone to emotional contamination. The second type of person, the "sponge", has certain limitations, but may not know what to include and what to exclude. Then we have the "tough" people who are so closed off that no one can get close to them either physically or emotionally. Finally, there are ideal options with "flexible" boundaries. People with flexible boundaries can decide how long to stick with other people and their feelings based on what is most healthy and clearly communicated.
"How you perform in one area of your life tends to show up everywhere," says Urban. "If your boundaries are weak and porous, or if you love people and can't stand up for yourself, it tends to show in any relationship, including your relationship with yourself."
But we also can't forget the role that technology plays, and right now Urban says something that puts a sudden spin on what I've been hearing about working life for the past three years. We're talking about the tyranny of Slack, the powerful instant messaging software that millions of us know and which, along with Zoom, now defines the way we work.
“I know from research on habits that the allure of technology, the dopamine rush you get when you get a new notification, is one of the hardest things to do. It drains willpower the fastest."
Does this mean that Slack messages, even from colleagues reminding you of a deadline, trigger the same chemical reactions in your brain that Instagram likes?
A gesture of the city. “Dopamine is actually anticipation of an event. He seeks, not enjoys. So when that notification pops up, whether it's the best news in the world or a disturbing one, your brain knows there's something new to distract you. And when you're feeling stressed or disconnected, you're very vulnerable to that."
Perhaps the uncompromising behavior many of us have adopted in the age of remote work is just another example of our addicted brains giving in to digital addiction, just as we're missing out on weekend TikTok or Twitter scrolling fortunes. Anyway, this brings us back to Urban's words about the first boundary you should set for yourself and not others.
“I often advise people to start by asking: What areas of your day cause you the most stress and anxiety, and where do you feel more reactive than proactive? And can you set a clear limit for that part of the day? For example, I have a morning limit where I don't check my phone until I've finished my routine. So I took a cold shower, worked out, meditated, and ate breakfast. Then I start my day. I think this self-control can help when working from home."
"You deserve to have healthy boundaries in the workplace," she continued. “People will get as much as you are willing to give. It's just basic human nature. So you have to be the one to set the healthiest boundaries for yourself.”
If the digital age has blurred the lines in our professional lives, it can be said to have completely flattened them in our romantic and social endeavors. After the US, the UK is the happiest country in the world, with 55% of us saying they've used Tinder and 46% logging at least one hit a day. Great for swiping left or right.
LalalaLetMeExplain is an anonymous relationship expert and social worker, and author of Block , Delete, Move On , explains that she doesn't want to teach anyone how to find love, but "how to avoid poisoning." This book was inspired by her struggle to set boundaries in the age of dating apps.
"One of the things I've found is that men really want to start a conversation about sex before the first date," she says. In the often ephemeral and unimportant world of digital communication, creating boundaries is commonplace.
For a variety of reasons, most of which I must say have to do with bad male behavior, the age of Tinder is generally seen as a disappointing development in the history of how people find and find love. But Lala points out that the Internet also offers us a way to save time and effort by spotting bad matches ahead of time by setting boundaries. From finding their names meaningful ("The guy I Googled with a woman I dated before and found out he just got out of jail for murder," says Lala) to the dates. .
"I think it makes sense to talk a few times and maybe FaceTime before we meet," she said. “Because there are so many small ways to tell if they're respecting your boundaries. For example: text messages. I've been in a situation where I didn't text someone for hours and then they sent me a sad face. and a question mark. And it's like, “Oh, that's really annoying. No, do it to me again."
In such situations, Lala offers a radical idea: instead of deleting someone immediately, you can start a conversation. "Can you say? "This answer worries me, I will not answer you for a long time. I just wrote "having a slightly anxious attachment style". This might sound like couples therapy before a bottle of wine, but in the fast-paced world of online dating, it makes a lot of sense.
At the other end of the spectrum, irrelevant or redundant contact - "ghosting" - disappears completely. "More and more people are standing back without a word. And there are various reasons for this, which are not always clear. Sometimes they are already with other people and use the app after an argument to try to boost their self-esteem. Or, you know, they can be so anxious and depressed, they're in a hole and they can't talk to anybody.
“But the ghost is really annoying. Leaving these unanswered. And these unanswered questions usually fill our brains with self-deprecating thoughts.
Digital communication isn't just for single people who ask tough questions about boundaries. Couples also fight, especially when it comes to social media. “It's often helpful to know who their partner is following or what they're doing on places like Instagram. If your partner continues to like photos of their partner, is it fair to set boundaries that say: that following a girl you met at the gym is unacceptable. “Different views on pornography,” he says, “is another common battleground for relationship boundaries.
"The strange paradox," writes psychologist Carl Rogers, "is that when I accept myself as I am, I can change." The challenges we face today may differ from the challenges frontline evangelists faced in the past, but the solution remains the same. It's important for Urban and Lala to understand themselves and their boundaries well enough to speak up calmly and directly when you feel they're being violated. Perfect: Get to work, and even the Slack and Tinder minefields become easier to navigate.