Football season is in full swing and with it comes all the fun of one of America's favorite pastimes, from meetups to party foods to cheering on your favorite team to the playoffs, football has been long part of American culture. But did you know it can teach you lessons on how to communicate effectively during conflict?
Research conducted by John Gottman and the Gottman Institute shows that the ability to take effective pauses during conflict is an important part of effective communication. When the conflict starts to get ugly and you find yourself unable to listen, lost in negative thoughts about your partner, feeling overwhelmed to the point where you know you're about to say something you'll regret or risk close it, take a break. Talking to calm your mind and body can help create more positive conversations with your partner.
When I work with couples in couples therapy, I often hear that they have tried to implement a separation but have not been successful. Either one person wants a break and the other doesn't, they don't reconnect after a break, or they say they need a break but it doesn't happen.
This is where football can teach us. Football timeouts follow all the rules necessary to implement an effective timeout or, as I like to call them, the four rules of fair play for timeouts.
1. A team may request a time-out and both teams must respect it. But you should also choose your waiting time wisely.
In football, one team can call a timeout if it thinks it's right for them, and the other team can't call a timeout. When a timeout is called, even if it is not ideal or not liked by the other team, both teams respect the right of each team to call a timeout. At the same time, each team has only three extra times per half. This means that neither team can withdraw from the game by calling a timeout or using a timeout to avoid the game, even if the game is not going well. Teams should know themselves well enough to choose when to use breaks.
The same rule applies to time conflicts in relationships. When one member of a couple requests a time-out, it is important that both partners honor the time-out request. This means not trying to make a decision, ignoring an expired call, or saying something more. If a timeout is announced, both partners withdraw from the discussion and take a break.
This means that everyone should only use the time when they need it and not use it to avoid arguments, dismiss their partner because their needs increase, or otherwise disengage. A break should be used when you begin to feel overwhelmed to the point where your nervous system is activated and you know you cannot engage constructively in a conflict.
2. Timeouts have time limits and everyone knows and agrees with them
In football, there is a set time limit for the duration of the rest period. Everyone involved, the coaches, the players, even the fans, know how long that period of time will be and have agreed to that period of time. Breaks cannot last forever or be used to end the game. At some point the teams must face each other again to finish the game.
Likewise, couples should set time expectations for the waiting period. In general, 15 to 20 minutes provide enough time to adjust our bodies and return to interacting with our partner in a non-intense way. When you agree on how long the waiting time will be, two things happen. First, couples who feel they need a break know they can use this time to take care of themselves and relax. They don't have to worry about re-committing before they're ready or have the space to check it out.
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3. Vacation times allow you to take care of your body and reset your game plan.
Two things happen during the break. First, players have the opportunity to take care of their bodies. Water bottles are provided to ensure players are hydrated and have time to catch their breath or clear their heads. Second, they meet as a team and with their coaches to plan the most effective way to enter the game, even if that means changing their original plans.
The effective waiting time in the event of a conflict follows the same format. First, you take care of your body. When our stress system is activated, our prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for logic and rational thinking) is not fully active. This makes it more difficult for us to maintain effective communication than when our nervous system is under control.
Therefore, we should take advantage of the first part of our free time to fulfill our physical needs and remind our body that we can rest safely and easily. This can take the form of deep breathing, going for a walk, eating a snack or taking a shower. Find something you can do that will help your body know it's safe, help your heart rate return to normal, and help you feel calmer.
After taking care of your body, focus on your action plan. Instead of reuniting with your partner using the same strategy, especially if it results in a lack of growth or understanding, you can take the time to plan how you want to reengage, making a more effective effort. Some questions to think about may be helpful:
- What is my purpose in this conversation?
- what i feel
- Who should I contact?
- Do I listen to my partner's feelings?
- What does my partner want me to hear?
Answering these questions can help your brain focus on what you and your partner need from the conversation, so you can prepare for a more effective conversation.
4. Time-outs are part of the game. There's no need to be ashamed to take it.
In football, breaks are a natural part of the game. The teams are expected to take a break. Teams are not judged or seen as inferior because they choose to use their time off.
The same goes for relationships. Taking breaks when you need them should be a natural part of healthy communication. Conflict can be annoying and sometimes we make mistakes in our communication style. It's healthy to be able to make progress, reset and recommit, and there's no shame in taking time off.
These four guidelines allow for effective soccer breaks and will help make breaks more effective in your relationships. If you find that vacations are a challenge in your relationship, it may be helpful to discuss these guidelines with your partner to develop your game plan for the upcoming vacation. A couples therapist can help you apply these rules to your communication patterns in a consistent and effective way.