- Laura Hancock and Karen Raine, Ph.D., teach sexuality.
- They say talking to young children helps families prepare for more difficult topics during the teenage years.
- They say that the use of short texts is often key in talking to children about sexuality and the body.
This essay is based on conversations with Laura Hancock and Karen Raine. Edited for length and clarity.
When you think of “the talk,” you probably picture your kids as teenagers. But to really get to know the birds, the bees and their bodies, you have to start much earlier, say Laura Hancock and Karen Raine, authors of Sex Cart Edition: How to Have Honest Conversations with Toddlers.
Talking about these issues early "makes you a better person when things get more serious," Hancock said.
Have conversations early and often
Today's parents want to make sex better than previous generations, but often don't know where to start, the authors say. Their advice? Have conversations early and often. Not only does this give you time to practice honest conversation, but it also creates a family environment where open and sometimes awkward conversations are the norm.
It seems simple, but it's not.
“What we're asking parents to do is a difficult thing,” Hancock said. “We ask that you be concerned and proactive about this issue.”
This is where scripts can come in handy. Here, Raine and Hancock, both mothers, share how other parents can answer questions about bodies, reproduction, and sexuality for children under 5.
Use correct anatomical terms
By teaching children about anatomy, they learn about their bodies and lay the foundation for later understanding of reproduction. Try saying:
This is your penis.
This is your vulva.
It is important to wash your hands before applying it to the vulva or vagina.
The vagina is an elongated tube that connects the tip of the genitals (vulva) to the uterus, where the baby can grow.
The vagina looks like an elongated tube. The vaginal opening is different from the urethra (where urine comes out) or anus (where feces comes out), but it is in the same area.
People who have a vulva and vagina usually have a uterus. They also usually have breasts to feed their babies after birth.
Menstruation occurs approximately every month. At this time, blood flows out of the body. This is very normal.
Don't be obsessed with sex
Sometimes parents are more concerned with talking about penis-vagina relations. If you feel like that, "step back. There are a lot of other things we need to talk about first," says Raine.
Here are three scripts you can use to introduce the basics of playback.
Some people have eggs. Some people have sperm. A baby is born when one person's egg meets another person's sperm. They start creating babies in the part of the body called the uterus.
You need four things to make a baby: an egg, sperm, a uterus in which the baby can grow, and people to help care for the baby after it is born.
Egg cells are so small that we can barely see them, and sperm cells are so small that we can only see them with a special instrument called a microscope. When the egg and sperm unite, the baby can grow and develop until it is ready to be born.
Tell us about your child's birth story
Babies love hearing about their birth, so it's a good place to start a birth conversation, say Hancock and Raine. Tell your child the story of his birth from beginning to end, discussing the relationships between the people who contributed to his birth. Tell them whether they had a vaginal birth or a cesarean section.
Here are six verses to start a conversation about birth:
The baby is usually born when it is pushed out of the vagina by the uterus which is actually stretched. Sometimes, for various reasons, the baby may need to be taken to a doctor for a surgical procedure, where an incision is made in the abdomen above the bone, then inserted into the uterus and removed in this way. It's very safe.
When the egg and sperm first unite, it doesn't look like a baby. Below are several pictures of the baby's appearance during its growth period in the womb.
Before a child is born, we sometimes call it a fetus.
After months of waiting, the baby announced that he was ready to leave the womb. The uterus then pushes the baby out of the vagina.
When were you born...
Finally, you can share more details
After some practice, it's time to separate the nuts and bolts based on their age. Hancock and Raine recommend starting sexual relations when children are 6 years old. Here he is:
Sperm originates from the penis and eggs are formed deep inside an organ called the ovary. Sometimes adults have so-called "sex" or "making love" when their genitals are inserted into the vagina whenever they want. This may sound a little strange, but this is what adults do - and that's what adults do.
When many small sperm leave the penis and wait in the fallopian tube, sometimes an egg is released from the ovary and sometimes the egg releases one of the sperm. They grow together and become babies.
There are various ways to connect egg and sperm cells. Do you know how someone who has a vagina, uterus, and ovaries becomes egg cells, and someone who has a penis, scrotum, and scrotum become sperm? One of the most common ways to have a baby is when the penis and vagina fuse. Two people can decide they want to do it together because it's good. Then, when the egg moves from the ovary and the sperm moves from the testicles, the egg and sperm can meet. Does this make sense?
Not all babies are created like this. Sometimes doctors take sperm from one person and eggs from another and place them in the uterus to grow. Sometimes sperm and egg join in other ways.
There are other ways for egg and sperm to meet. Do you want to talk about it?
By having these conversations, you show your child that it's okay to talk about sexuality and reproduction. If this conversation makes you cringe, think about your family values and your desire to open up to your children as they grow up.
“While we ask parents to worry now, it's important to keep those long-term goals in mind,” Hancock said.