Valentine's Day is the perfect time to shower your sweetheart with perfume, massage oil or other gifts of love. But this can be a good time to check in, take the temperature of your relationship, and think about ways to make your relationship stronger and more sustainable. We asked three local couples therapists what behaviors they see as potential red flags, what they can do about them and how to avoid them, because "nobody's taught us this much about these things," says Charles Davenport, MD, of Davenport. psychology As a result, "we tend to get defensive when problems arise," he says.
Avoid this behavior for a better connection
"The Real Fight".
Davenport explains, "Fighting for what's right means saying, 'This is why I'm right,' and listing reasons instead of asking yourself, 'What are other people saying?'"
Basically, we all want validation. "Say: I see differently, how do you want to hear?" A proposal. "If they say yes, then you've heard of a prisoner."
The blame game
"Blame leads to defensiveness and that never helps," says Jo Ann George, a licensed clinical social worker who has practiced for nearly 40 years.
"You have to see what works for you and what doesn't," he says. When you find one, find a way to talk about it. For example, if someone is always late, say, "You don't respect me and my time."
Talk about divorce
"You always do this and you never do that," says Brett Sandag of the Center for Correctional Psychiatry. "That's what I call 'quick thinking'." "Rapid thinking is often in response to trauma versus slow thinking, which is more focused and reality-based. When I hear these absolute terms, I ask [patients] if it's because of their fast or slow thinking so they can explain it in their own words. .”
Accept this behavior
enters
"You have to be proactive about tracking relationships and be intentional about checking in regularly," says George. "Call to see how you are?" This leads to better relationships, especially for couples who have been married for 20, 30 or 40 years.
He listens
Sounds easy, right? This is not always the case. "When couples fight, they can be overcome with emotion," says Davenport. "They don't hear what's being communicated because anger actually changes the body's blood flow activity and we become defensive." If you want, take at least 20 minutes to get back to a place where you can think more clearly, she suggests.
"Usually when I work with couples, if I ask a question, the other person already knows how they want to answer," adds George. "It means they haven't heard much. Listening means knowing what this person has to say to you."
About the feeling ahead
"Talk about feelings and trust," says Sundaj. It begins with: " I feel it when you do it." or "I believe."
You can disarm each other by walking in each other's shoes. That doesn't mean you have to see it their way. "It means you're listening and communicating more effectively," Sundez says.
Stay informed
"You have to agree on who said what and what was said before you can move on. Part of it is language, and some people use language to distort the situation. If you're on the defensive or on the offensive, you won't see the truth. Slow reactions are helpful. done," Sundez said.
brave
"I'm talking about courage. The courage to tell your partner that you care about them, but you need something or feel something about a certain behavior," says George.
show gratitude
Appreciation breeds respect. "Often one is told to go first and the other is told to feel good, which often feeds into a healthy cycle," he said Sunday.
Practice honesty
"In its simplest form, do what you say and mean what you do. For example, if you know you have a busy schedule and it might not work out, do nothing. Keeping promises builds trust, which couples face. One of the biggest challenges.” facial expression
Be aware of the contract
People talk about relationships as transactions, says George, and to some extent that's true. "If you feel like you're trying to understand your partner, you want to feel like they're doing the same for you. I think that's human nature."
For example, if a bank lends you money, you agree to pay it back. The same thing happens in relationships. "The more we talk about it so that a person can see if they can provide the same value, the more they can say how the relationship works," says George.
Watch out for red flags
offensive behavior
Harassment covers a wide spectrum from emotional to physical. A good way to think about it is; "It's toxic and disrespectful in some ways, or at least some see it as such," he said Sunday.
Communicate with others
"Attracting another person without attracting your partner is very risky," says Davenport. Ideally, you'll notice the change and talk about it, he says.
lack of love
"One of the red flags, especially with men, is when they have sex without meeting or committing to someone else," Sundag says. Flirting is necessary for a relationship to survive.
Disagreements arise
We all argue, but if you notice a significant increase in the frequency or intensity of your arguments for no apparent reason, it's worth speaking up and seeking help, Davenport says.
Finally, remember the importance of communication. "You don't learn as much about yourself as you do in relationships," says George. "It's because you have to compromise and things don't always go your way. That's why connection is so important. Every day is Valentine's Day if you can get it."